Call Me Karkov

I'm lost, i've had no contact with anyone for almost a week, i'm confined here at my house where i lay around all day and think about things i could be out doing, the fact is, i dont want to do anything anymore.  I've got strepococcus pneumonia and acute broncitis and it sucks. teh thing that sucks even more is that no one even wonders where i am, no one has called, nothing.  ive dropped off the face of the earth.  and if someone had tried to call me over the weekend i wouldnt have got it because my phone went through the wash and was therefore out of commision...so i'm going to stay holed up here until someone calls and tells me to get off my ass and do something.

My boyfriend thinks that every time i hang out with another guy i'm going to cheat on him.  I've never given him any reason to doubt me, or not trust me.  I hate it.  what a fucking prick.

I've got an idea in my mind to cheat on my now serious boyfriend, Garret.  He's nice, too nice almost, but he is amazing, and i do hate to say it but, I love him.  I wish i didn't because that would make things so much more easy than they are now.  This is the first REAL relationship that i have been in that has that sort of all consuming, deep, want to see you everyday, fuck you every night sort of love.  now dont get me wrong i have loved before, but not like this. Those were passive loves.  But with garret, i hate it when he doesnt call me or touch me or something, i can barely stand not seeing him for two days at a time.  and the reason i'm going to cheat on him? Fear, basically.  What happens if it doesnt work out? of course it won't, i know this.  I'm too young to think that this thing that i have with an amazing guy will last longer than a few months, maybe a year if i'm lucky, or should i say unlucky?  If this lasts any longer, I'll get my heart broken, and i'm too much of a bitch already.   there are only two ways it can turn out if we dont break up now:

A) I become a big, huge, massive bitch without any real emotions because i got my heart broken and who's to say it wont happen again.  I'll become one of those women on movies that shelter themselves from people for fear of being hurt again.  And i would hate that OR

B) i become some sappy, sad lonely girl who only thinks about things that could have been instead of what i could make of things now.  I would hate that too.

 

So i  find myself at a paradox.  What to do?????

I think I'll cheat on Garret and get him to break up with me.  Jack is definately willing to mess around with me.And i find Jack intriguing, sexy and he's a big asshole which has always been appealing to me.  The only thing that could go wrong is i'll miss out on the only chance at love i've got.  But i dont believe that there's only one person for everyone do i? and if i do is garret it?

 

On a completely different note, i found a sweet ass lighter, it's an ice cream cone.

I met you on a saturday
you saw me first on thursday
we played a game
that you won repeatedly
if i said something
you responded
or just smiled
i liked that about you
your tendency to listen
rather than speak for the sake
of speaking
our silences were comfortable
i could wrap up in one if i chose
and i do
so wrap that silence around me
and just listen or smile
when i say
"i love you"

So i've been seeing this guy for almost a week now, we havent kissed and he's one of those guys that is just really really nice.  It is bugging hte shit out of me.  If he doesnt start like putting the moves on me i'm going to shoot someone, and it will probably be him.